Believe me I’ve been there. When the world seems so dark and hopeless, that everything is closing in on you. You feel like you are drowning, you want to scream but nothing will come out. You are in unimaginable pain; the world keeps spinning and that just makes you angrier. It feels like nobody gets it. Nobody understands. It’s unbearable. People don’t understand it and I get that, it’s not even that you necessarily want to be dead but that you are hurting so much that the fear of death is overridden. That mental place is such a scary and isolating place and, in that moment, I know that it seems to be the only way. I know you can’t take this anymore, but please just take a breath. Suicide isn’t the answer. Nothing is that bad, I know it doesn’t feel like it in the moment but you can do this.
Just hold on, ride the wave. It won’t feel the same in the morning. That’s what my mum would always tell me. See how you feel when you wake up. The world can be such a horrible and grey place however in the same moment the world can be a bright and beautiful place. We are all going to die, that is our natural path. So why not see what you can do in the meantime. Don’t bring the inevitable quicker, eventually we’ll all be gone but you could just see how can you make the most of your time while you are here.
Be the author of your own destiny. For now, just surviving maybe all you can do and you know what- that is okay. Surviving is the hardest and most difficult step. Battling your own brain is a challenge and you are brave for keeping going. Give yourself small goals, like I’m just going to keep going till the morning, then in the morning I’m going to keep going till lunch. You may need even smaller goals and that is okay. Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve better. Don’t do this for anyone else, others can be just fleeting but you are forever. Eventually these small steps will become bigger and you find your own purpose in this complex world.
From someone who was chronically suicidal, a couple of years ago I was constantly plagued with those thoughts. I truly believed that the world would be a better place without me, the pain was so unbearable that I didn’t care what anyone else thought, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hear you. I stand by you. You can do this. The scariest step is taking the hand which is being held out to you. You are in a burning building and the firefighters are holding out their hand and telling you to jump. From the outside no one can understand why you won’t just jump, but as crazy as it sounds you feel safe in your burning building, you know it will kill you but the outside world seems even scarier. It’s all you have ever known and you know once you jump you won’t be able to return. I’ve been there, you are scared that if you jump, you will fall, that no one will catch you. That outside of the small world you have created yourself you have nothing. But believe me jumping was the best thing I ever did. I have created my own new world. A world filled with less pain and fear. A place where I have a purpose, where I even have the occasional smile. A place where there is a potential of a future. You don’t know what will happen tomorrow but what you do have is today. You don’t have to do anything dramatic, today for me is a ‘chill’ day. I’m currently chilling in bed, with my snoodie on, music playing and blogging! I am happy and content. I may not have a degree, a boyfriend or a high-powered job. I may not be where people stereotypically think someone in their early twenties should be. But you know what life isn’t a straight dictated path. I think the beauty of life is that you can create your own unique and amazing path. I have stopped comparing myself to everyone else around me. I am me and that is more than enough. If I had ended my story all those times, I wouldn’t have had the opportunities I have had but most importantly I wouldn’t be here to continue my own unique story. You are the author, see where you can take your adventure. You are going to die eventually anyway so why not just go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? The what ifs are always going to be there. But what if, what if you actually lived? What if you actually had an alright time? What if you just had a go? Go take that first step, your own adventure awaits you.
Lots of Love
Hannah 😊 xx
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